The Rollercoaster

This past week has been a complete roller-coaster of joy (training is over) and panic and fear given the race is days away.

Last week, during my session with Harry, I was unable to complete some of the core exercises.  I am still having balance issues and it’s so frustrating to be almost there, get sick, and fall behind.  I couldn’t hold myself up with my core.  I couldn’t engage my core without holding my breath.  I felt like a complete failure.  I wanted to cry.  After the session, I had planned to run with the running group, but they are super fast.  Given my failure minutes before, I felt really inferior when some woman said she was taking it slow with a 10 minute mile.  Ummm, really?  I knew I  would rather run alone.  It’s not that I compete with others….I really don’t.  But my insecure, nonathletic, geek self surfaces when I can’t keep up.  I felt like I was getting sick and ended up running alone and going home.  Once home, I burst into tears.  I don’t know where it came from, but I couldn’t shake it.  I needed a friend to talk me through.  The fear of failing.  The stress.  The exhaustion.

New Year’s Eve….more stress.  I went out with a rather large group of women for dinner.  I honestly like them all as individuals.  But in a group, you get group think.  Suddenly, it’s competition to be the center of attention (not something I want, but I did want to scream “shut up” a few times).  And on top of the insecurity still looming from the night before, the dynamic just magnified it.  I was grateful to get out of there just after midnight and not pay the ridiculously high fares for a ride home.

Next came race planning.  You know, packing, outfits, and general get excited for the trip stuff.  All of my mail arrived on Saturday, with last minute accessories for the race – decals for my nails, some Redskins accents to represent my team due to play that afternoon in post season for only the second time since the “glory days”.  As a result, my simple Minnie Mouse outfit is now Redskins Fan Minnie Mouse with the team accents.  This made me so happy and excited to be doing this.  Then Sunday night, my Uncle who has run many races including the New York City Marathon, called to wish me luck.  Was so touched, I burst into tears.  Sigh.

Monday, I got my race nails – YAY!  And then I followed with my final session with Harry before the race.  He took me as far as he could.  Now I just have to get it done.  He wished me well and gave me a hug.  Tears when I got home.  UGH.

And here I sit.  Procrastinating my packing.  I surveyed my friends on Facebook to get an additional 30 minutes of music for my playlist so that I might take a piece of them with me for support.  Downloaded and synced my iPod.  Trailing off…..falling asleep.

Time to work on the mental.  That’s all I need to do.  Believe. Be ready to tough it out – even in the rain.  Finish.

Gotta run!

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